BLOG, Miscarriage, Personal

Our Miscarriage Story

I’ve written and re-written this post several times.

Isn’t that how we always start really personal, private posts? Like we have to justify how hard it is to write, how hard it is to put into words. And it’s true. It IS hard to write. It IS hard to see in black & white. And I’ve debating on writing this post for a while now. I’ve prayed. I’ve cried. I’ve felt conflicted.

But I think it’s time.

October 15 was Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day. It’s also around the time we would be learning the gender of our sweet baby.

That part makes my breath catch a bit. I’ll always wonder if the “she” we thought she was would be wearing pink polka dots in February; or be a chunky little man in Redskins attire (because who doesn’t love babies with rolls?!).

I thought it would get easier; and in some ways, maybe it has. But in other ways it feels harder, and my cry to the Lord becomes more desperate. I see adorable bumps, gender reveals, happy couples & sweet, sweet infants. And my cry becomes a call that only the Lord can & will answer – in His perfect time.

I miscarried on July 6. We were on vacation, we had just told my family (we have the most joyful video!), and we were so, so happy. But instead of soaking in that goodness, I ended up in the ER with the words “not viable” echoing over & over in the room.

The last three months have been a blur of grief. It’s strange, really. Grief follows you around like a rain cloud. Some days are completely normal; everything seems & feels fine. Then other days you wake up & wonder how the sun can still be shining, why people seem so joyful & when you will ever be again.

I’ve had to reconcile in my own heart that I am mourning THIS baby, not A baby … because this life mattered. And while we may celebrate the birth of a child one day, he or she will not replace this one. This one mattered in God’s eyes because she was created in His image … and she was created with a purpose in His perfect plan.

For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:13

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you… Jeremiah 1:5

Perhaps this is the moment for which you have been created. Esther 4:14

I’ve wondered why we won’t get to hear the sweet thump of the heartbeat on an ultrasound for this baby. Or paint a nursery for this baby. Or crave silly things, suffer through morning sickness & pick out a name for this baby.

I wanted to see her cute face & feel her little toes & know her more than I got to. And I’ve wonder how this baby could make herself so known in my heart, when she never even occupied a room in our home. It makes me sad to think of her as a secret. To think that I know the impression she made yet you don’t … and I WANT you to know her, too.

That’s ultimately the reason of this post. Matt has been so steadfast through this, and I’m grateful we can lean into each other. I told him I was ready to share about our baby because her life mattered immensely. And for me, sharing about her is step in the healing process.

Miscarriage is such a different kind of grief – not better or worse, just different. We grieve what never was, what never got a chance to be. It’s also a lonely kind of grief. There’s no funeral, no public affirmation of life lived & goodbyes said. For me, that meant there have been times in the last 90 days where I have felt silly for being sad (I know that’s not the truth, but sometimes our heart & head don’t match). I felt like I needed to get over it & move on – and I needed to do it quickly. I’ve thought things like – “I don’t have a reason to be sad; I was only 6.5 weeks pregnant. Women go through so much worse.” And while that may be very true – there are women with stories far different from mine – this is my story. This is my grief. And it does hurt.

I’ve felt weak crying over diaper commercials or walking the long way around the store so I bypass the baby aisles. I’ve felt like I shouldn’t get upset when people ask: “when are you two going to start a family” or be anxious about seeing another “positive” test because that’s been stripped away… a positive test doesn’t actually mean a healthy, happy baby 9 months later.

As personal & private as this is, I know I’m not alone. It’s actually a terrible reality. I know that somewhere out there, someone is reading this & connecting to it. Unfortunately for both of us, I know that someone has thought similar things, walked a similar path & battled (or is battling) your own fertility & loss journey. Please know I am thinking of you. Please know I think about you daily. And I pray for you. This terrible “club” is one we never asked to be in, yet here we are. You’re not alone. Your feelings matter. And your baby – whether 6 weeks, 16 weeks or 6 months – mattered.

Part of this post is very selfish; I want the world to know how much she changed my life by living for just 6.5 weeks inside of me, because I will never get to tell her myself. I needed her in my life, and while I will forever miss what she would have been, I’m so happy I had her when I did. Chugging two bottles of water so I could take those tests, seeing the joy on Matt’s face when I placed 2 pregnancy tests & an adorable teal-and-gray onesie in his lap, crying & laughing with Momma when we surprised my family with the announcement, hearing Daddy say “I know it’s a girl” & my brother excitedly exclaim “No way, no way, no way!” over & over … those are the things I will never forget.

While this pregnancy did not end the way we hoped or wished or prayed for, I’m glad it happened. I’m forever changed because of it, and I don’t want the old me back. The new me (with the knowledge of her) is far better… harder & still healing but better. And for that I will praise the Lord.

Be strong and take heart and wait on the Lord. Psalm 27:14

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Matt and I are so grateful for your kind words, prayers & encouragement; this is an incredibly personal & private process of healing for us; and at the moment, we’ve shared all we’re willing to share publicly. We are finding comfort in our close friends & family & leaning heavily on the phrase “Thy will be done”. We love you!

 

Print by Sincerely Amy Designs /// The Giving Key “Faith” necklace from sweet, sweet friends /// Ruby rose gold ring (July’s stone) as a constant reminder of how much she changed me in July

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  1. Reina

    November 1st, 2016 at 8:34 am

    Thank you for sharing this with the world. More people sharing makes it less isolating. You’re really strong for shedding a light on this very personal grief.

  2. dearsweetheartevents

    November 2nd, 2016 at 8:18 pm

    So grateful for you!

  3. Chelsey Lux

    November 1st, 2016 at 9:05 am

    Kay- thank you for sharing your story so bravely. It looks like we have been on the same path recently. I also miscarried on July 22 this year and then again on October 8 🙁 both were early like yours and I can totally relate to what you are saying that it was too early to be sad about- these were babies that would have been. Not or a girl, would have had names, would have been loved and adored. This has been the hardest season of my life but it’s nice to know I’m not alone and that someone else is sharing something we are told not to talk about. Prayers for healing and rainbow babies 🙂

  4. dearsweetheartevents

    November 2nd, 2016 at 8:17 pm

    I am so, so sorry Chelsey. Thank you for sharing part of your story with me; thinking of you!

  5. Elizabeth Carlock

    November 1st, 2016 at 11:52 am

    We love you.

  6. dearsweetheartevents

    November 2nd, 2016 at 8:17 pm

    Love you!

  7. Stefani Lefler

    November 1st, 2016 at 12:55 pm

    Your courage to share this is appreciated and know that I am praying for you and Matt. Much love to you Kat. <3

  8. dearsweetheartevents

    November 2nd, 2016 at 8:17 pm

    Oh, Stefani, I appreciate it so much!! xo!!

  9. Carolyn

    November 1st, 2016 at 1:42 pm

    Sending you and your family hugs and lots of love! While it is not an easy path to walk, sharing your story will help so many others.

  10. dearsweetheartevents

    November 2nd, 2016 at 8:16 pm

    Thank you, Carolyn!

  11. Lindsay

    November 1st, 2016 at 5:53 pm

    Sending you so many hugs and prayers!

  12. dearsweetheartevents

    November 2nd, 2016 at 8:16 pm

    Thank you, Lindsay!

  13. Darby Sinclair

    November 1st, 2016 at 6:02 pm

    Kat, you are so strong for writing this and sharing it publicly. Sending you and Matt big hugs xo

  14. dearsweetheartevents

    November 2nd, 2016 at 8:15 pm

    Thank you so much, Darby!

  15. Melissa

    November 1st, 2016 at 8:50 pm

    Oh Kat, sending you so many prayers and hugs. To think of you working SO hard while having to grieve, it breaks my heart. I’m so grateful for you, you’ve been a constant encourager and cheerleader. Thank you for being you, doing all you do, and sharing your very personal story! Love you!

  16. dearsweetheartevents

    November 2nd, 2016 at 8:14 pm

    You are MY constant cheerleader & I love you for it! Thanks so much, Melissa! So excite for On The Road next year:)

  17. Andrea

    November 2nd, 2016 at 5:44 pm

    You are so brave for sharing this heartache and experience with everyone! God has bigger and better plans for you and your family. Keeping you in my prayers as you continue to find strength in loss and hope in what the new day can bring.

  18. dearsweetheartevents

    November 2nd, 2016 at 8:14 pm

    Thank you so much, Andrea! I appreciate your prayers <3

  19. Cristal Tucker

    November 4th, 2016 at 2:31 am

    Hi Kat! You are so incredibly brave to share this with us. Wow. What a six months you’ve had! Even though we aren’t friends everyday, in person, I still feel like you’re my “online” friend. However silly that may sound but just take that as—I feel connected to you. Like I know you. Maybe it’s C@H. Whatever it is, I just know that you and Matt will celebrate in the joy of being parents very soon. God will give you so much happiness and take care of you. Just like he is doing now. My hubby and I aren’t actively trying now, but I want kids. I get scared because I always think of the what ifs. What if I mis-carry? What if the baby doesn’t make it? All of these worries that I have absolutely no control of but only God does. You’re story made me realize that it’s important to trust in God—he will provide what is best for us at the best time, always. Xo Cristal

  20. dearsweetheartevents

    November 6th, 2016 at 9:51 pm

    Cristal: thank you so, so much for sharing this with me! As women, I think it’s only natural for us to feel ALL of those things you mentioned! The beautiful thing I’m learning more & more is that ONLY GOD knows and while that is SO scary, it’s also SO comforting! I can’t imagine going through this without having Him to lean into & find hope & comfort knowing He DOES have a plan! Thinking of you!!!

  21. Ashlyn Carter

    November 6th, 2016 at 7:15 am

    Precious friend. How thankful I continue to be for the way you glorify His kingdom in your work. My heart breaks for you — at Illume last year, when we met, I was talking to Jenna in hushed voices, because my best friend was walking through what you two have. I’m so appreciative – as a hopeful future mama – for the way you speak into things that aren’t always peonies and perfection. 🙂 Love you, sweet Kat!

  22. dearsweetheartevents

    November 6th, 2016 at 9:51 pm

    Thank you so much for sharing this with me, Ashlyn! I do hope we get to meet in person again because you are a true gem!!! xo!

  23. Jillian

    December 15th, 2016 at 9:27 am

    Oh Kat, I missed this post and didn’t know until I read your post today. My heart breaks for you friend, and I’m sending you a very big hug from up north. How lucky this little girl was to know love for 6 weeks from a mom like you. XO

  24. dearsweetheartevents

    January 1st, 2017 at 6:00 pm

    Thank you so much, friend <3 Grateful for your prayers & virtual hug!

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perhaps this is the moment for which you have been created.

Esther 4:14