This week marks 21 weeks pregnant with our sweet little boy. It’s still very, very surreal for me to BE pregnant, let alone be half way through the pregnancy.
As much as I’ve waited & prayed & wanted this baby so desperately, I think a small part of me thought that this would never come. When you experience multiple miscarriages, it changes your entire perspective on … well … EVERYTHING.
Since this pregnancy began, I haven’t shared publicly a lot of my thoughts & fears revolving around pregnancy after miscarriage. In some ways, I think I held the fears so tightly in my heart because I was so afraid to voice them a loud. Yet there were other ways where I feel like the Lord blessed me with so much peace around this pregnancy.
The past few weeks in particular, though, my fears & anxiety over this pregnancy have been heightened. It was literally like 2018 rolled around and I felt like the ball would drop… and not just the big shiny one in NYC. I started waking up at night in a panic over a bad, bad dream; or driving in the car & rather than thinking about nursery ideas, I would envision just what we’d do if we lost this baby. I found myself starting to pull away… crying more when I was alone … and feeling guilty about wanting this life so desperately when we’d lost the others.
Am I terrible mother for thinking through scenarios that involve us loosing this baby? Is it okay for me to celebrate this life when I should still be mourning the two we lost? I began to ask myself questions like these on a regular basis. And I realized that there have to be other mothers … other women who have carried a pregnancy after miscarriage … who have (or are feeling) the same.
I thought I’d voice the lies I’ve let myself believe recently; and exactly what I should be (and you should be) believing instead:
Lie #1: I can’t get attached to this baby because what if I lose him, too.
Truth: I want to celebrate every season, every milestone, every joy & every heartache with this life… no matter how long he lives. Do I regret becoming attached to the first two? No. Those two pregnancies held a lot of JOY even though they ended in pain; and even though I don’t know how this one will ultimately end, I want to celebrate & high’s and low’s of pregnancy and of this season of life with our baby.
Lie #2: I shouldn’t be so happy over this life when I need to be grieving the lives lost.
Truth: There is a time for weeping & a time for JOY. Feeling happiness & longing over this life doesn’t mean the other’s didn’t matter. Grief and joy can live together – in the same space – and that’s exactly what’s happening here.
Lie #3: Feeling sadness over the miscarriages makes me ungrateful for this current baby.
Truth: And yet, those lives existed just like this little one – therefore remembering them is a normal, natural part of the healing process. I’m allowed to still feel sorrow & pain over those lives we lost… pain & joy can exist together & in fact, they typically do. I’ve had moments in this pregnancy where all the sudden it’s hit me like a ton of bricks that we didn’t experience this with our first two. We’ll never experience a baby shower or nursery or seeing Matt hold them for the first time. And at times, that thought alone makes me grieve their loss all over again … even though I feel beyond blesses to finally get those moments with this baby.
Lie #4: I’ll probably lose this baby, too, so prepare yourself for the worst.
Truth: Nothing is promised. Nothing is guaranteed. Yet we can’t live our lives based on hesitancy & lack of faith. I knew when we began trying again, that there wasn’t a guarantee we’d have a sustainable pregnancy… yet we chose to step out in faith & trust in God’s plan for our lives. If we based every decision in life out of fear: we’d go nowhere, do nothing & I have to believe we’d look back on our lives & regret the chances we never took.
Lie #5: I shouldn’t share the lows of this pregnancy because we’ve experience the lowest of all pregnancy lows: miscarriage. And I shouldn’t share the highs of this pregnancy because so many women are still walking the same path I was once on.
Truth: I battle this one a lot, y’all. And you know what I’ve been slowly convicted of? EVERY season has it’s high’s & low’s … even the season’s on the mountain. While I never want to be a “complainer”, it’s OKAY to share the good & bad of this pregnancy. I can talk about the fears & the aches & the overall “what is happening to my body?!” moments. And I can feel freedom to share about our nursery & get excited for our baby shower because this particular season IS exciting and we are SO grateful to experience it!