Today’s post is more for me than you, I think, but I’m hoping it does apply to other business owners out there. I guess that’s the beauty of blogging… sometimes it’s just an online diary of jumbled thoughts & rambles:)
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Friends. I’m going to be really honest with you (I mean, when am I not?!). I don’t want this post to be depressing or uninspiring, but I also want to be honest with you about what’s been on my heart recently.
I want to go full time so bad.
There. I said it. I want to go full time.
SO SO SO SO SO bad.
The last few weeks it feels like it’s been this huge weight on my shoulders. I’ve been such a baby & even cried about it!!! I’m working 4 10 hour days; I’m off one day a week and I spend it working on DSE. And instead of being grateful, I’ve found that my selfish heart just wants more.
Ugh. Isn’t that the worst? It’s just a horrible attribute of human nature… we always want what’s right around the corner. When you’re dating, you want the diamond ring. When you have the ring, you want the wedding. After the wedding, you want the house or the baby or the big raise or whatever future you’ve pre-determined for yourself.
I find myself being so frustrated with myself & my situation because I feel like there’s not enough time to do the things I want to do. I truly HATE having to think about how many weddings I take, shoots I style or workshops I attend based on the PTO time I have from my day-job. And if that wasn’t bad enough, I find myself being jealous (yes, I admit it)! I am jealous of the amazing business owners I know who’s lives seem so much easier than mine because they are full-time. When the reality of the fact is, I am NOT one to judge if their life is easier or not!!
I’m in an incredibly amazing season of life. I need to remember that!!!! But it’s SO hard to see that when we constantly “want, want, want”. I believe with all my heart that there will come a time that I can be full-time for DSE. I really, really do. Unfortunately, I also know in my heart that now is not that time. I have a plan in place, a hopeful list of things that will happen in order for me to go full-time. But I also need to realize that I can’t keep wishing away this time, hoping for that time.
It’s a lesson I feel like I’m constantly learning. When I went to Making Things Happen, I thought it would be to get the guts to talk to Matt about going full-time, even though we weren’t financially ready to do that. I believe God has an ironic sense of humor:) Because instead of leaving ready to sit my husband down & tell him I was quitting my day-job; I came home, sat my husband down, and apologized for not being intentional in my marriage, my day-job, with DSE or in other areas of my personal life. I was so caught up in what I DIDN’T have, I was forgetting to see the blessings of what I DO have. I wasn’t being intentional, and therefore I was being crappy in ALL the roles of my life!!
Honestly, this post doesn’t have a solid point:) I don’t have some crazy words of wisdom or an inspiring post to share. It’s just the fears, thoughts & struggles going on in my heart right now. It’s for all of you dreaming of quitting your day-job & being a creative; it’s for those of you wishing away the time you have now, because you think what’s up ahead is so much better. I understand. Trust me, I really do. But instead of wishing & waiting & living in dream-land… I have to remind myself that I won’t get this time of my life back. This season, this time, this place… it’s special. It’s meaningful. All the late-nights, early mornings, long drives, crazy schedules, endless emails, pre-blogging, 80-hour weeks, timeline-writing at midnight…. It’s shaping who I am as a person, a wife & a business owner. And even though it’s hard, I’m growing & learning & understanding the importance of doing what you love.
I love DSE. I love my brides, Wedding Day, styling shoots, playing with décor and, yes, I even love writing a timeline:) So when I feel really defeated, or just downright angry that I’m not full-time, I have to remind myself to stop wishing it all away… to take a step back, look at everything God is doing in my life, and trust that He knows EVERYTHING my future holds. He knew my future before I was born, friends. He’s got it covered. He has CALLED ME to this season of my life; and I will live it with purpose & intentionality… full-time small business owner or not.
xo! kat
(( image by Kimberly Florence Photography ))
Love this “He has CALLED ME to this season of my life; and I will live it with purpose & intentionality”
I couldn’t relate more – I’m in the same boat and I’m just getting over that hump of feeling resentment for not being full time. God has helped me refocus my priorities and be thankful for exactly where I’m at. He has not blessed me with full time small business, but he has graciously given me time at the end of my day/materials to work with (computer/art supplies etc) to pursue things that bring me joy. That is enough for right now.
It doesn’t come easy (since our nature is to be selfish and always want MORE 🙂 but there is lots of grace involved. Its one day at a time for me, thanking god for my blessings and letting that anger/unrest go. Leaving my business at the foot of the cross everyday.
I will be praying for you and fellow business owners struggling with the same frustration we are.
Be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for Him to act. – Psalm 37:7
LOVE that verse!!!! xo!!!
i love this post! just know you’re not alone! God has you right where He wants you for a reason, right now! i know it’s hard, trust me! haha. but God’s got our backs! it’s okay to feel stressed! but that’ll make when you get to being full time EVEN SWEETER because you will have worked so hard to get there and you will appreciate it that much more! i wish i could give ya a hug and some cookie dough! soon! 🙂 keep ya head up, friend! God’s timing is perfect! even when it feels so difficult! <3
so glad we can walk through this together!!! love you!!!!
Katherine. You are really amazing at what you do! While I know the thought of going full time is scary, I know that you can do it. Pray about it and claim it! You have so much support around you and you have the love of Jesus Christ. You can do it, just as you have taken the step to start your business, you can do this. Look how your faith in God has helped you and grown your business! You can do it!!
Thank you, Shyla!
I finally went full time a year and a half ago and while it is amazing for sure the grass isn’t always greener….missing co-workers, having a set schedule, steady paychecks, and health insurgence. You’re so right we need to enjoy where we are and appreciate all we have. Good things come to those who wait :). Everything will happen according to Gods plan and it will be all the more spectacular when it does 😉
So good!! Thanks for the reminder to enjoy today and not wish too much in tomorrow.
I remember feeling like this ever day…I remember crying to John because I hated my full time day job so badly I couldn’t stand the thought of going back there another day. I did a mentoring session with justin and mary and told mary that I “planned to go full time at the end of the year after saving up a certain number I had in my head and when that happened I would bust my ass to make it happen…do whatever it takes!!” She looked at me and said, well if you’re willing to do whatever it takes and struggle if you have to to make your dream happen, why aren’t you already doing that? At the time i thought, well you don’t know my budget. You don’t know my situation. What are you TALKING about? But after a month or so of thinking about it and crunching numbers, I left my full time job. I was barely making anything from my photography business and my income was our main income at the time!! It was super scary, but John said he would work THREE jobs if he had to to help us make ends meet. And there were a few months when I was super scared, but two things happened. 1. I worked harder than EVER to make things happen for myself and the business and having the extra time to do so made my business really take off. 2. Somehow the universe provided for us every time I was worried we couldn’t pay bills that month. Sure, sometimes it meant taking on jobs I wasn’t excited about, but those jobs are still 1000x better than my old day job. Sometimes you just have to leap and believe the net will appear! I believe in you! I believe things will happen when the time is right! And I believe you can do it!!!!!!! You will be there before you know it…and you’re right! having to balance both will make you better in the long run! Sorry for the rambling comment lol.
this made me cry. for reals. thanks, friend. love you!!!!
I.love.this. It’s really hard to be in this season of desiring the things our hearts beat and long for. Praying for you love because I’m right there in that valley!!
Thank you, Ashley!!!
I love your heart Kat! Thank you for sharing this and know that you are not alone. I am rooting for you!! And your intentional decisions are creating beautiful work so continue to be encouraged! 🙂
Thank you, Melissa!!! xo!!
As many others have said, you are not alone!! When I first started following you I had NO idea you weren’t already doing DSE full time! When I saw you post about that, I was very surprised, and I think that is because, from my perspective, you are really doing a great job with managing your business, blogging, social media, and everything else that goes into running this!! I really decided to pursue wedding photography about a year and a half ago. Once I started getting really busy with my business, I was ready to quit my full time job! Over the months I began hating it, resenting those that didn’t have to work full time, and would go out to my car some days because I just couldn’t stand the thought that I was spending 40+ hrs a week improving someone else’s business, and keeping mine on the back burner…and I would cry in my car. I then read Quitter by John Acuff, and that really changed my perspective! I didn’t always have a positive attitude towards work after that, but like you said, I started cherishing where I was RIGHT NOW. Because one day we’re going to look back and wonder where this time was, or think back to when our business was so small. You are not alone, love! I know your business will be so successfull, and when you can go full time, amazing things will happen!!! xoxo
Ah Morgan you’re so sweet!!! Thank you!!! (ps. LOVE your site!!!) xo!
Oh what a wonderful post!! I just discovered your blog not to long ago! Your work is all gorgeous!! And congratulations on such a wonderful business! I’ve been reading your posts back to the beginning! I’m a work from home mommy, doing wedding flowers from home, so I completely understand! I wish I could grow my business more, but now is just not the time. Its hard sometimes seeing all the other amazing women in this industry that just seem to be flourishing and having it all! I try to just remind myself how blessed I am do have a beautiful little girl and to still be able to do what I love! And who knows what God has planned around the corner!