Today’s post is more for me than you, I think, but I’m hoping it does apply to other business owners out there. I guess that’s the beauty of blogging… sometimes it’s just an online diary of jumbled thoughts & rambles:)

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Friends. I’m going to be really honest with you (I mean, when am I not?!). I don’t want this post to be depressing or uninspiring, but I also want to be honest with you about what’s been on my heart recently.

I want to go full time so bad.

There. I said it. I want to go full time.

SO SO SO SO SO bad.

The last few weeks it feels like it’s been this huge weight on my shoulders. I’ve been such a baby & even cried about it!!! I’m working 4 10 hour days; I’m off one day a week and I spend it working on DSE. And instead of being grateful, I’ve found that my selfish heart just wants more.

Ugh. Isn’t that the worst? It’s just a horrible attribute of human nature… we always want what’s right around the corner. When you’re dating, you want the diamond ring. When you have the ring, you want the wedding. After the wedding, you want the house or the baby or the big raise or whatever future you’ve pre-determined for yourself.

I find myself being so frustrated with myself & my situation because I feel like there’s not enough time to do the things I want to do. I truly HATE having to think about how many weddings I take, shoots I style or workshops I attend based on the PTO time I have from my day-job. And if that wasn’t bad enough, I find myself being jealous (yes, I admit it)! I am jealous of the amazing business owners I know who’s lives seem so much easier than mine because they are full-time. When the reality of the fact is, I am NOT one to judge if their life is easier or not!!

I’m in an incredibly amazing season of life. I need to remember that!!!! But it’s SO hard to see that when we constantly “want, want, want”. I believe with all my heart that there will come a time that I can be full-time for DSE. I really, really do. Unfortunately, I also know in my heart that now is not that time. I have a plan in place, a hopeful list of things that will happen in order for me to go full-time. But I also need to realize that I can’t keep wishing away this time, hoping for that time.

It’s a lesson I feel like I’m constantly learning. When I went to Making Things Happen, I thought it would be to get the guts to talk to Matt about going full-time, even though we weren’t financially ready to do that. I believe God has an ironic sense of humor:) Because instead of leaving ready to sit my husband down & tell him I was quitting my day-job; I came home, sat my husband down, and apologized for not being intentional in my marriage, my day-job, with DSE or in other areas of my personal life. I was so caught up in what I DIDN’T have, I was forgetting to see the blessings of what I DO have. I wasn’t being intentional, and therefore I was being crappy in ALL the roles of my life!!

Honestly, this post doesn’t have a solid point:) I don’t have some crazy words of wisdom or an inspiring post to share. It’s just the fears, thoughts & struggles going on in my heart right now. It’s for all of you dreaming of quitting your day-job & being a creative; it’s for those of you wishing away the time you have now, because you think what’s up ahead is so much better. I understand. Trust me, I really do. But instead of wishing & waiting & living in dream-land… I have to remind myself that I won’t get this time of my life back. This season, this time, this place… it’s special. It’s meaningful. All the late-nights, early mornings, long drives, crazy schedules, endless emails, pre-blogging, 80-hour weeks, timeline-writing at midnight…. It’s shaping who I am as a person, a wife & a business owner. And even though it’s hard, I’m growing & learning & understanding the importance of doing what you love.

I love DSE. I love my brides, Wedding Day, styling shoots, playing with décor and, yes, I even love writing a timeline:) So when I feel really defeated, or just downright angry that I’m not full-time, I have to remind myself to stop wishing it all away… to take a step back, look at everything God is doing in my life, and trust that He knows EVERYTHING my future holds. He knew my future before I was born, friends. He’s got it covered. He has CALLED ME to this season of my life; and I will live it with purpose & intentionality… full-time small business owner or not.

xo! kat

(( image by Kimberly Florence Photography ))