I haven’t shared openly about our journey for a family in a few months (For those new around here, you can read what I have shared here). And while I didn’t intentionally stay silent, I also didn’t have a ton new to say or share.

But I knew when I first shared about our journey that if I made it “public” I would need to follow through. That’s the thing about the crazy world of blogging  & social media – when we share the hard stuff, the real stuff, we have to follow through and keep sharing … even when it’s hard.

(I realize that everyone will have a slightly different opinion on that; however mine is this: I want to be real through & through because I believe there is beauty in the journey. So when I shared about our miscarriages, I didn’t want to drop that bomb & walk away. I believe in sharing about the walk through the hard stuff – not just the end result – and hope to do so with my little slice of the web.)

As I’m sure you can imagine, going through 2 miscarriages has taken a lot out of me emotionally … and spiritually … and physically. Basically it rocked my world in every way possible & some days it’s easier to pretend it didn’t happen. (I’m sure any of you who are walking through infertility or have experienced grief can relate to that!)

I’ve had the “why me” and “why us” moments; I’ve had the “this isn’t fair” conversations; and I’ve looked at a feed filled with babies & bumps & announcements & felt the knife dig a little bit deeper.

But life goes on.

And the “new normal” slowly becomes just that – a new normal. And while it’s not a normal I wanted, it is what it is & it’s one I will learn to be grateful for & cherish.

Easter brought on tons of pregnancy announcements (and I do mean TONS), with Mother’s Day hot on it’s heels. Closing social media is one thing I’ve learned to do well; while I never, ever want to hinder someone’s joy, I’ve learned that some days their joy causes me pain – however unintentionally it is. So closing the tab & walking away is the best cure.

(If you feel that way too, I really, really want to encourage you to not allow bitterness or anger win. Those are easy emotions to feel in this situation – NATURAL emotions to feel. We want to lash out; we think feeling bitter & angry helps us cope with the pain in our hearts. But instead it’s actually making the wound deeper, giving it room to fester & ultimately hurting everyone in our path. I don’t ever want to lash out at someone else for having something I want so desperately. Instead I’m learning what true thankfulness looks like, and ways I can rejoice FOR them, not fight against them.)

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week; it’s a chance to stand with women fighting the same fight – living their own new normal – and be reminded that we aren’t alone. It’s fitting that it falls in between 2 holidays that surround family & babies, isn’t it?

To update you on our “new normal”, I thought I’d answer a few questions I’ve been asked a lot (the ones I’m comfortable answering) –

Where are we in the journey? Waiting. (My word of the year has never, ever been more fitting.) Sometimes we wait patiently & sometimes we wait not-so-patiently. We believe that one day we will be parents to an earthly baby, and we’re learning to trust that God’s plan on the “how” is perfect & true.

Are we going through any fertility treatments? No. For the time being, we don’t feel called to seek blood-work or additional treatment. I know that might seem like the strangest thing – why would we not want to be proactive in our journey?! But I have a strong sense of wait – unlike anything I’ve ever felt before – so we wait.

How am I doing? This is a loaded question, y’all. And honestly it all depends on what day you ask me!:) For the most part, I’m just living a new normal. Over the last few months, I’ve been able to see the blessings God is gifting my business – blessing I only used to dream about – and I can see His provision in that. It’s helpful to feel Him so greatly in one area of my life even if I don’t feel Him in another. He’s doing that on purpose, you see. Reminding me that He IS here, He IS in charge & He IS kind.

I’m still so much in the thick of this journey, y’all, that it really is just that for me – a JOURNEY. It’s had the absolute lowest of lows & some of the WORST moments of my life … and while I know that is such a depressing thing to type out, it’s also the REALEST thing to type. I DON’T  KNOW what’s going to happen. I won’t sit here & believe that one day I will carry a child full term because that might not be the way we become parents. I don’t have a “rainbow baby” or a story with a happy ending … yet.

What I DO have is an amazing, kind, loving Father who CARES for His children … and while the journey is hard & rough & unlike anything I ever expected, I believe in His goodness & His faithfulness. I have to. I have to believe there is beauty in the journey and that all of this – all of this pain & heartache & wondering – is for a greater purpose than myself. Those beautiful babies we lost were created for a REASON and I will cling to that every single day.

A good friend asked me: “Do you want a baby, Kat, or do you want those babies?” and I cried more tears at that question than I ever thought possible. That question rocked my world – and gave me so much to think on, process through & pray over.

I’m still processing through that question; so I don’t have an amazing answer for you just yet – and maybe I won’t on this side of eternity. And, honestly, maybe part of the answer is that I will NEVER have an answer.

The terrible thing about miscarriage & infertility (besides the obvious) is that we feel such a mixture of emotions ALL THE TIME. It hurts to talk about it; it hurts to not talk about it. There is no “one size fits all” for your emotions – every person is different & heck, every DAY can be different for the same person!!! And while I WISH I had the right answers or the “it’s gonna be okay” fluffy stuff to believe in… I don’t.

Here’s what I DO have for you – It’s okay to be working through a new normal, every day, and figuring out what works & what doesn’t. It’s okay to be angry. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to not have all the answers & have no clue what 3 months, 6 months or 12 months will look like. It’s okay to never want to hear the question “are you trying again?” EVER again. It’s okay to close FB after 3 pregnancy announcements in a row. It’s okay to walk the long way around the store to avoid the baby aisle. It’s okay to open up your box of keepsakes – your pregnancy tests & a onesie – and have a good, solid cry. It’s okay to buy a baby gift for a friend & not cry when you do; it’s also okay TO cry. It’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to yell. It’s okay to fear seeing 2 pink lines because what if you never get to meet this baby either? It’s okay to stop feeling guilty for wanting to try again – you won’t miss those babies you lost any less (or love them any less) by trying again.

And it’s absolutely okay to be happy again, hopeful again & ready to see what the future holds. 

I do believe God is a kind Father. I believe wholeheartedly He is Good. I believe He cares. I believe He listens when we cry out to Him – He wants our anger, our frustration, our sorrow & our joy. And I can’t imagine turning away from faith when faced with a trial like this … why would I not cling to a Father who understands my hurt? Who heals? Who hears? I hope you cling to Him, too.

Many are saying of me: “God will not deliver him.” But you, O Lord, are a shield around me, my glory, the One who lifts my head high. I call out to the Lord, and He answers me from His Holy Mountain. I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me. I will not fear though tens of thousands assail me on every side. Psalm 3:1-6

xo! kat